MASTER OF THE HOME
by Steve Zeisler
It has been often observed that timing is everything.
In the course of our study in the book of Colossians, we have come to chapter
3, verse 18: "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in
the Lord." That raises a subject that needs careful attention and sensitivity
at any time, but it seems to me that it is particularly interesting to be
dealing with this subject this week. The vice president of the United States
is engaged in a public debate with a fictitious television personality,
newscaster Murphy Brown, over the roles of parents and of men and women
in relation to one another.
There is a New Age channeler in the state of Washington named J.Z. Knight
who is being divorced by her fifth husband. This channeler purports to speak
with the voice of an ancient warrior, Ramtha from the lost continent of
Atlantis, who periodically inhabits her, gives predictions, and puts on
shows. Knight's husband claims that Ramtha browbeat him and made his life
miserable, and that this trauma should figure in their divorce settlement.
It's more evidence that we live in a world that is crazy and has lost its
way, especially with regard to the relationship between men and women.
Further, in the sports world the NHL had a woman goalie playing professional
hockey for the first time. Jimmy Connors and Martina Navratilova played
a professional tennis match against each other. And finally, admirals in
the navy were fired for being unable to bring relationships between men
and women in the Navy into any kind of reasonable boundaries. This is the
year of the woman as we've often been told. Men's movements are surfacing
everywhere, trying to make sane what has become insane in this culture:
men trying to be in right relationship with women.
ABIDING WISDOM
And as timing would have it, this week we have come to one of the places
in Scripture where we can get some help on this subject. The ancient and
abiding wisdom of God will do us much good in the day and age we live in.
Husbands and wives, parents and children (also in the news this week was
a twelve-year-old divorcing his parents), and other household relationships
are the subject of our study this morning.
I must say that this subject is difficult to preach on because many of our
contemporaries, Christian and non-Christian, have become consumed with issues
of feminism, and reaction to feminism. There are probably people in this
room who have read every book that has been written on the subject of what
the Bible teaches about maleness and femaleness. On the other hand, there
are people, new to the faith, who are totally unaware that the Bible even
comments on the subject. And of course, in the middle is a group of people
who have received the teaching of the Bible on family relationships without
difficulty or special attention. So we are a community of people who will
come at this material from very different points of view, and that will
add to the adventure of our study. I invite you to join me on this adventure
as we begin by reading Colossians 3:18-4:1:
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them. Children,
be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to
the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose
heart. Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not
with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity
of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for
the Lord rather than for men; knowing that from the Lord you will receive
the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. For
he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has
done, and that without partiality. Masters, grant to your slaves justice
and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master in heaven.
The book of Colossians has been making a case for the supremacy of Jesus
Christ over all else. Having captivated us by his love, he becomes the Lord
of our lives. We put off the old nature and put on the new nature; we are
becoming obedient from the inside out to the truth of the gospel. It is
important to notice that what we have in this section is insight into how
Christian households can practically apply this truth to which they are
already committed.
HOUSEHOLD CONCERNS
Let me make some observations by way of introduction to this text. First,
this section is a series of pairs. In each case one member of the pair is
addressed and then the other: wives and husbands, children and parents,
and slaves and masters, and these pairs are intended to be studies together.
It is inappropriate to speak of the responsibility of a wife, for instance,
without the responsibility of her husband, and vice versa.
Slaves and masters are considered in this passage. One might think the association
of wives and children with slaves implies that wives and children were to
be thought of as chattel also. But that is not the analogy. The reason they
are associated with one another in this unit is that slaves were considered
part of the household, and this is a section that is dealing with household
relationships.
This passage is not particularly long in Colossians (there is a longer version
of these things in Ephesians). This relatively short section is followed
immediately by a section that has to do with evangelism and then by one
that gives personal greetings and encouragement for individual saints. All
of that makes the point here that we can become over-focused on family relationships.
It is a particular concern for modern Christians that at times we delve
as deeply as we do into the inner workings of family, feeling that our families
are threatened by external forces. At times we can think that God is concerned
only about our families, their inner workings, and so on. It is true that
he is concerned about them, but he also wants us to be aware of the non-Christian
world around us and their needs, as well as a great many other things. So
we need to put this in the context of what follows it.
IN JESUS NAME
Lastly, these verses need to be put in the context of what precedes them.
Verse 17 says, "And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the
name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
There is an assumption in the mind of the apostle Paul when he writes commands
like, "Wives, be subject to your husbands," "Husbands, love
your wives," "Children, be obedient to your parents," "Fathers,
do not exasperate your children," and so on. It is that the people
who hear these words and are going to obey them have already agreed with
him in their heart of hearts that Jesus Christ is Lord. They long to do
what is right and what honors the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in their
actions, thoughts, choices, and feelings.
I stress this because there are homes which have significant areas of resistance
to the Lord; destructive, abusive behavior. An example that comes most immediately
to mind is a child who is being severely abused by a parent. The arrangements
for harmony in the home that begin in Colossians 3:18 are not the needed
word from the Lord in such a case. What must come first is the command
given in Colossians 3:8 - "put aside" abusive speech etc. Homes
in which the gospel message has been allowed to produce a degree of emotional
health are ready for the directives given in the passage we are considering
here.
A person with a malignant tumor doesn't give first attention to questions
of diet and exercise. It's very important to eat nutritiously and exercise
regularly in order to stay healthy. But if you have a cancer inside, the
first order of business is to remove it; then when ordinary health is restored,
you find information about diet and exercise useful. The sad fact is that
there are Christian homes with patterns of behavior, spiritual cancers,
that are an affront to Christ. These directives to submission and obedience
(obey your parents" must not be used to buttress evil behavior.
On this same point, we must recognize the important role played by the Christian
community. We live in a world in which families are often isolated from
each other. Seldom do children, parents, and grandparents live close together.
And, our Christian family may be spread over a wide area. We live with enough
geographical and emotional isolation from each other that it is possible
for pockets of abuse to exist that no one knows about. So it's important
to recognize that the verses immediately preceding Colossians 3:18 talk
about loving one another, being patient with one another, teaching one another,
and admonishing or counseling one another. This section has in mind a community
of people that cares about its members so that when there are families in
difficulty, they will be discovered and ministered to, patiently cared about,
and restored to health. We must work hard to overcome the distance between
us as members of Christ's family.
WIVES AND HUSBANDS
With all that background, now let's look at the first pair of statements
in verses 18-19: "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting
in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against
them." In the Scriptures, marriage is described first in Genesis: "For
this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave
[be united] to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." The best
way to describe marriage is that it is a new oneness created by God. And
in order for that oneness to stay healthy, it has to avoid dual problems.
To borrow terms from popular physics, it has to avoid the problem of centripetal
force and the problem of centrifugal force. That is, in order for the oneness
to be stable, it needs to avoid collapsing inward, becoming so buried in
itself that it implodes, if you will. And it needs to avoid the exploding
apart; being destroyed by distance and isolation. That's what the apostle
is on to in speaking to husbands and wives here.
The command to be submissive is not given only to wives. Ephesians 5:21
says that we are all to be subject to one another; everybody in the Christian
community is to give way to others, husbands and wives alike. Nor is the
command to love given only to husbands. Remember, Jesus said, "Love
one another as I have loved you." That applies to everybody. But because
of the way God created women and because of the characteristic issues that
will occur from the wife's side of the relationship it is useful to say
to wives, "Be subject to your husbands." And for the same reason
it is useful to say to husbands, "Love your wives."
Men and women have always been understood to be different from one another
in the records of every culture. Modern feminism has given up earlier efforts
to deny essential differences. However, the language used to differentiate
must be chosen carefully. When Leslie and I were planning to get married
(20 years ago) we were given literature which taught that men were logical
and women were emotional. More frequently today you will hear the word nurture
used; women, we're told (even in the secular world), are more naturally
nurturing than men. In fact, one of the arguments that is being used in
California for electing two women senators from this state in November is
that they will do a better job of representing the people of California
in the federal government because of their natural nurturing capacity. They
are (they claim) more inclined toward the needs of children, health-care,
and so forth.
NURTURING WITH LIMITS
The desire to bring life, security, and intimacy in families is all part
of the nurturing process. Paul's calling here could easily be stated in
such terms. The danger that will grow from that capacity to nurture is not
knowing when to quit. The inclination to provide security will continue
to expand. But when is the family secure enough? When has the listening
gone on long enough, and when have I really drawn out everyone's feelings
on every subject? Are all the family members well represented? Have we created
enough good will? And on and on. You hear people joke, for instance, that
the last thing in the world you want to do is come between a mother bear
and her cubs, because even in the animal kingdom the nurturing role of the
female adult makes all other considerations vanish. These verses recognize
that something similar operates in our families. Too much nurturing can
be a disadvantage. The family becomes too consumed with itself; it falls
in on itself and becomes too entangled.
What is needed is for someone to say, "Our family is secure enough
now. We can turn and attend to other things. We exist to serve God in a
wider world. We have other responsibilities to pay attention to, and things
to do in the greater community." So for a wife to be subject to her
godly husband will help set limits on the nurturing process, and that is
of great value to her.
Men, on the other hand, need to be told to love their wives. Their tendency
is to move too quickly from family needs to the wider world. They often
don't listen long enough, or close off discussion too quickly. So the call
of Scripture to them is to love their wives. Paul adds in Ephesians, "...as
Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." What men
are directed to do against their characteristic weakness is listen, care,
communicate, and not come to answers too quickly. They need to understand
why their wives think as they do and to give weight to their opinions.
So husbands are called to love actively, giving up their lives for their
beloved. Wives are called to let the husband lead and set limits to the
nurturing process. Each of them, because God made them that way, needs the
other, and the marriage is made healthier. The unit is stable; it doesn't
fly apart nor does it fall in on itself.
Leslie and I were helping our daughter recently in an athletic setting.
Because of illness and a difficult coach she was physically and emotionally
depleted. Leslie's response was to care, cry, hug and reinforce our love
and approval. And if she had been there by herself, her advice probably
would have been, "Well, quit the stupid team! You don't need this..."
-- to make the hurt go away. On the other hand, I was not as good at communicating
understanding, support, and tenderness. But my role in that setting was
to say, "Think about what it's going to cost you if you quit. Do you
really want to do that? Is that where you want to be a month or six months
from now? Think about the issues that are outside the immediate situation,
and we'll support you in whatever you decide." I was trying to set
some limits on the nurturing process. Eventually it ended up being very
useful for Sarah that both parents were in the room. Both contributions
were important in caring for her.
AVOID IMPATIENCE
Paul modified his call for husbands to love their wives by adding that they
are not to be embittered against them. Impatience is frequently the source
of anger and bitter feelings. "Doggone it, I want a solution! Let's
get on with it. This love business takes forever." Love keeps men connected
longer than they naturally want to be, and the typical response of men is
to get impatient. But that's exactly what we are forbidden to do. We must
not start tapping our feet, growling, and getting tired of the process.
We must live with the process. And similarly, Paul modifies his directive
to wives by adding that it is fitting in the Lord that they have limits
set on them by submitting to their husbands. Jesus' sacrificial love for
us and joyful submission to his Father are models for both husband and wife.
Let's consider some definitions. The command to love is agapao in
Greek; it has to do with self-sacrifice. It is not, of course, erotic love,
which involves physical and emotional feelings. Nor is it brotherly love,
another word Paul might have used. He is talking about the love that gives
up its rights, lays down its life, and places another before oneself. It
is the love of Jesus on the cross. Husbands are to love their wives in that
way.
The word to be subject (or to submit) is also interesting. It's the word
hupotasso in Greek. It means to give way to someone else. The best
picture I have mentally of that is seating arrangements in a car. Our kids
will say occasionally, "I want to ride shotgun!" meaning they
want to sit in the front seat next to the driver. Those who become a driver's
companion are not the driver. They have submitted to the decisions of another.
But they're not in the trunk either! They have a lot to say about where
the car is going to end up. That is what Paul is getting at in saying, "Wives,
be subject to your husbands." It is being willing to ride shotgun.
Wives are never called on to obey their husbands. The word is submit. You
can be forced to obey someone you hate or feel no respect for submission
is freely offered - it implies persuasion. It must be both inward and outward.
THREE DIFFERENT MODELS
Now let me ask you to use your imagination and think of marriage in three
very different cultures. The gospel enters all three of these cultures.
People receive the Lord and want to obey him. They have Colossians 3 translated
into their language and they want to follow it, but it's going to look very
different in each case. It's very important for us to remember that ours
is not the only culture that has ever existed. The wisdom of Scripture is
universally applicable. It will benefit us to think in terms of what these
issues would look like in different cultures. And we might see ourselves
in a helpful light as a result.
Imagine first a tribal culture that knows almost nothing of civilization
and lives in very difficult circumstances. It is a hand-to-mouth existence,
where survival is the key issue before people. Secondly, let's imagine traditional,
civilized cultures in which men and women have very different spheres.
Men travel the world and read the books, and they have the interesting conversations.
Women usually have a smaller setting; they're less educated. They are at
home with responsibilities that involve children and household. The third
culture that we can imagine is the modern western nineties, the world we
live in. These three are very different from each other, and yet the word
of God, as we have been considering it this morning, applies usefully to
each one.
In the tribal culture, there is almost no freedom of movement, time, or
energy to have much debate. The husband and wife get up in the morning,
and there are a thousand chores to do. They work hard until sunset, go to
sleep, get up the next morning, and do the same thing. The relationship
between them in that kind of setting would be typically less emotional than
we're used to. It's an economic unit. "You have your duties and I have
mine. Yet now that they're Christians they hear the words, "Husbands,
love your wives," and, "Wives, submit to your husbands."
And for the first time the husband, thinking these thoughts, hearing the
word of the cross and how Christ loved him, starts to think about his wife
and wonder what it's like to be who she is. There is very little room to
change anything, but perhaps he values her differently than he did before
and has hopes and concerns for her. And she begins to realize that her husband
is a gift from God, and she actively begins to expect from him some encouragement,
limits, protection, and so on. A new depth of spiritual and emotional intimacy
is begun.
In the second model where men and women are separate from one another, a
different dynamic is at work. The wife is told to be subject to her husband.
Imbalances of power and opportunity create dependency by circumstance (not
submission by choice). But what often happens in such relationships is that
women become manipulative. Unable to play on an equal playing field or speak
as equals to their husbands, they learn to manipulate, weave webs of emotional
sophistication, and gain power in the relationship that way. The truth of
Colossians comes into this setting of unequal power. The wife begins to
reject manipulation and expect blessing from the leadership of her husband.
The husband begins to actively love his wife and to discover her gifts and
desires. He opens doors for her to develop and enjoy all the potential God
has placed within her. He does what he can for love's sake to equalize the
relationship between them, to offer her more, to lay down his life for her.
The third marriage we're going to look at is a modern marriage. In our time
and place most marriages are characterized by equality of opportunity. The
wife may have traveled as widely as the husband and had as much education
as he. She may have a job as prestigious as his and may have as much authority
in her work as he does. She may belong to the same number of professional
societies and serve on the same number of boards as he does. So what do
the commands, "Wives, be subject to your husbands," and, "Husbands,
love your wives," look like in this setting?
'Submission' and 'love' take place in conversations between equals. The
husband will not give directives as the boss. That could happen in the unequal
marriage, but in one that is largely characterized by equality of opportunity,
the husband, because he loves his wife, will persuade her, talk to her,
listen to her, involve himself, expect her contribution to be valuable,
and in loving conversation with her attempt to make good decisions. And
the wife will experience submission in loving conversation with her husband.
She will expect that his point of view, putting limits on what she would
do otherwise, forcing her out of her comfort zone, will be of benefit.
God's word has life giving insight for every culture. Very little detail
is given in Colossians 3:18-19 because the calls to love and to submit apply
in any setting. They are always pertinent.
PARENTS AND CHILDREN
There are two other relationships in this section, but you must benefit
from thinking about them on your own because time doesn't permit very much
discussion here. Parents have authority over their children and masters
over their slaves. But what happens in each of these cases is that the mastery
of Jesus Christ supersedes all others.
Children voluntarily learn not to come on too strong and take their freedom
in Christ too far. And fathers learn to listen long enough to their children
so that they're not going to be an exasperation. They need to understand
what makes their children exasperated. When I think I am being a reasonable
dad and giving reasonable orders, and my child is upset, I must consider
that I may be doing something wrong. I have to listen to him and figure
out why he is upset. If I'm not going to exasperate him I've got to understand
him, and that creates relationship again, just as we saw in the command
to husbands to love their wives.
The slave finds himself saying, "I want to obey and to please my Lord,
so I will work hard whether my boss sees me or not." The master says,
"I want to serve my Master, so I will treat my Christian brother who
works for me with respect. I will invite him into my house, pray for his
children when they are sick, and have him at my table; we'll share communion
together and sing Christian songs in church together. I will treat him as
my friend and brother." All of a sudden the master-slave relationship
becomes Christianized from the inside out; it becomes a relationship of
brothers. And whether the revolution takes place abolishing slavery or not,
it has been effectively abolished by the way these people treat each other.
A HEAVENLY MASTER
I want to say one last word on slavery. Slavery was not a racial phenomenon
in the Roman world. Slaves were usually people who had been defeated militarily.
One of the awful things about slavery in this country is that it has left
its scar on a particular race. The remnants of racism have done horrible
damage and continue to do so. But in this context we're not addressing the
issue of racism. In the ancient world slaves were quite likely to be people
of the same social status and race as masters. It was just that they had
lost the war and had become the slaves.
But rather than call for revolution to overturn the institution of slavery,
these verses bring about change from the inside. The whole world ended up
changing as a result. The Roman Empire ultimately lost its commitment to
slavery because the gospel penetrated farther and farther, and more and
more masters and slaves started treating one another as family, as brothers
and sisters in Christ.
The last point of all this is that we have a heavenly Master. Everything
we do in marriage, between parents and children, or in a working environment;
and in every conversation we have in whatever setting, we have as Master
over us, and we must please him. He will reward us for our service to him.
That is the only basis on which life makes sense. Because we have a Master
whom we're serving, our attitude ought to be one acting to benefit other
people, and being a servant to someone else, whether through love or submission,
through leading or following. We do that joyfully because there is One greater
than we whom we long to please.
Catalog No. 4333
Colossians 3:18-4:1
Seventh Message
Steve Zeisler
September 27, 1992
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