I am a sinner saved by grace. "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9 KJV) God loves me and He loves you too. I often wonder how could He love someone like me, but He loved me enough to die for me and take my sins away. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16 KJV)
I grew up in a Christian home all my life. If the church doors were open, we were there. Many times we were the ones opening them. My father was everything from Deacon, to Sunday School teacher, to youth pastor. I now realize that I was very blessed in my childhood.
As was expected of me, I was saved at an early age. I cannot say when I first accepted God into my heart because I don't know. Since that time, there have been much back-sliding and many cold times in Christ.
In my young mind I knew that I was going to Hell for every little sin. Every so often, I would stop fighting temptation, but then I would get a good scare from a visiting preacher and would get "re-saved." I always felt guilty about my actions, but the heart change to make me change was not there.
Later, in my high school years, I began to notice the opposite sex. Like most guys my age, I felt a little uncomfortable around females, so my response was to push them away. You see, I grew up on a farm in the country and was an only child as well. These two things made making friends very difficult. I pushed people away from myself, forcing myself to think that no one really liked me. In the absence of friends, I turned to books for consolation.
Books allowed my imagination to run free and unchecked. I was always the hero in my mind. This continual reading, however opened the gateways of my mind to pornography. At first, it seemed to be an innocent and harmless past time, but it is a contagious and malignant disease. It took control of my life for many years.
I graduated high school and joined the Army. At the tender age of seventeen, I was sent, all alone, to the Republic of South Korea for a year. In my Christian home, pornography was hard to get a hold of, but in the United States Army, in a foreign country, it is a completely different story. I became a secret addict. I thank God that I stayed a Christian on the outside where everyone could see, but inside, I was rotting away in my sin and self-loathing. Though a Christian on the outside, praying and going to church, I stopped fighting the urges and let my lust take control.
Praise God that He is a living and kind God, who is always forgiving! "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9 KJV)
I was at home on leave after completing my tour of duty in Korea when the Lord really woke me up. While in Korea, I always felt guilt about my actions, but I could never seem to change. It was in my little church, by faithful church, my loving church, my home, that God rang my bell.
The people of the church had been praying faithfully for me the whole time I had been away, and their love showed. In October of 1997, I rededicated my life to God. This time I knew it was for real. Every other time (and there were so many I could not count them) I "re-dedicated" my life to Christ, I knew I would not change. Well, I did not change this time either. God changed me!!! He showed me that the battles were not mine to fight. They were HIS battles! He wanted to fight them for me. The night before I would catch an early flight to my Army life, God Changed my life.
All my life I had watched God move. I knew who He was and that He loved me. I said I cared and loved Him in return, but apparently my words never made it to my heart.
Since I rededicated my live to God, I have not been perfect, and I never will be. That is what is so awesome about God's love and forgiveness, His continual forgiveness. No matter how many times I stumble and fall, He is always faithful to forgive me, no matter how much I do not deserve it, because all I deserve is death. The penalty for sin. That penalty was paid in full by Jesus Christ on the Cross.
When I got to my next duty station, Fort Hood, Texas, I asked God for some Christian fellowship, something I did not have in Korea. He'd showed me in my year in Korea that I cannot walk alone. I need help. Well, He gave me my fellowship, and then some, through a ministry called the Navigators.
Since that time I have let God fight my battles, and I can see the difference. When I step in and try to fight, I wind up losing battles. My life has not been perfect, and it never will be, it is a work in progress. It is only by God's continuing grace and forgiveness that I am able to serve Him. I am so very glad He does not remember our sins. "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us." (Psalms 103:12 KJV) It is bad enough that I have to life with the memories.
I SERVE AN AWESOME GOD!!! WITHOUT A DOUBT!!!
All the time I thought I was alone, not only was God always with me, there were other men out there struggling with the same problems. "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able to bear it." (1 Corinthians 10:13 KJV) There is hope. There is God. He loves you and wants to take care of you, and He will. All you have to do is simply ask, in faith believing, and He will take the step toward you. Remember, no matter how far you walk away from God, He is always waiting, one step away. Praise God!
If you have any questions, pleas contact anyone on this page. We will be glad to help in any way we can.
Your Brother in Christ,
Jedidiah Westover
Email to Jedidiah Westover (jedidiahw@hotmail.com)
The Pad at Fish Pond Home Page
April 25, 1998